I want a divorce: When did you know it was time to leave?

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[jakimsmommy]

Okay, how many of us have husbands that often take us there, where we are standing in a hot kitchen boiling a big 'ol pot of grits:mad: ? Well, I'ma be honest and say, I feel that way sometimes.....

As I cried out to God "to get 'That Man' you made me marry":eek: , God often shows me to me and my shortcomings.

The other day "Them Kids" were in the kitchen going back and forth. Jakim was irritating Doni and she kept yelling at him to leave her alone. I yelled at her to ignore him; and then I threatened their very existence and God as clear as day said, "that is how you and Don sound to me". :confused: I was shocked that God even went there with me, but I knew it was out of love for me. Imagine Him threatening my very existence. DAGG ON, I had to repent and ask God to forgive me.

I have to say that as we try to endure our petty differences in marriage, God can show us that we are not perfect and that we have no right to feel that our husbands need to be the way we think they should be. As I continued to seek God, He showed me how I have let bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart towards my husband. I can burn a hole in his head just by a look of contempt and really mean and nasty thoughts. The sad thing is that I think I am better than him because I have not expressed what I am thinking, but in God's eyes, I am just as wrong as he is when he verbalizes what he feels. :(

We had an incidence where he came in from his part time job at 1am and I asked him to turn off the bedroom light and use the bathroom light to see. He refused and I immediately began to think those mean thoughts towards him. :mad: I felt again, that he was being very inconsiderate and even questioned his Christianity, in my mind. Immediately, God checked me on those thoughts and I tossed and turned until I asked God to forgive me. I even fixed "That MAN" lunch for work and he didn't even have the decency to say thank you. :mad:

When I woke up, I spoke with some mighty women who encouraged me and lifted me up in prayer. I told God "to get him" for being ungrateful and God asked me if I did it for my husband's praise or did I do it to please God. I had to be honest and tell Him I did it for my husband's praise and God reminded me when we do stuff for men's praises we will be disappointed everytime. Once again, I asked God to forgive me and then wouldn't you know, Don called me from work and thanked me for his lunch. I was rejoicing in the car that I turned over my focus on my husband, to my relationship with God and He in turned had my husband call me.:p

I tell you, when you go to God and ask Him to work in you, He will do just that, because last night, that MAN had the nerve to ask me to turn off the light so he could go to sleep. You can only imagine how I was looking at him.........like he was CRAZY. :eek: Immediately, I had a long strand of indignant things to say to him and I had to swallow them hard. It was so hard and I even began to think, that this negro was punking me.

I told God, "Hey, this is not me to hold my tongue when folks speak to me any 'ol kind of way. " I heard plain as day, "look girl, you are a new creation in Me, so you got to let that tough girl attitude go so that I can use you to minister to 'that man' you say I made you marry". :confused: Wow, "why I got to change?" was my response and God showed me I have to lead my family by example, which means I got to have the mind of Christ.

Jesus never responded to those who tried to provoke Him and He in turned is seated on the right hand of God. "Well, Lord, I ain't Jesus..." :mad: and He asked me, "you a Christian, right?" I said, "Lord you know I am" and He told me, "well you better start acting like one then, since Christian means you are in the likeness of Christ. When you go back and forth with Don, he doesn't see Christ, he sees and responds to you. Now get yourself together and act like you got the Holy Spirit in you." Why He always got to be so blunt like that with me? :eek:

This morning, I had to make a promise to myself to always try to interact with my husband in a way that shows him Christ and not my, used to be, smart mouthed self. I know it's not going to be easy, but "with God, ALL things are possible".

I challenge you to do the same. It pleases God so much...........and just think, "That Man and Them Kids" we got, will one day rise up and call us blessed. WOW! In Jesus name, Amen.

So, I share this to encourage you to allow God to do a new thing in you so that He can get the glory not us. God has our husband's in the palm of His hand(where we need to leave them) and it is going to take the "effectual fervent prayers of a righteous man/woman to avail much". We must do this, our very families lives depend on us.

Here are a few scriptures for you to study....try to read them in the Message Bible...it makes so much more sense in that Bible.....

Hebrews 12:1-17 Ephesians 5:21-33; 6:1-20 James 1:2-18 Proverbs 8:17

We can and shall do this......find women who you can confide in and be honest with so that we can bear each other's burdens in prayer.......:o

Tanya

please share with other women.......



Surrendering Your Marriage

By Melanie Chitwood



“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the One who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!” Proverbs 3:5-7. (The Message)



Devotion:

It seems that the longer I’ve been married, more and more frequently I hear of struggling Christian marriages. I know these couples never intended to be in such a desperate place. When they said their wedding vows of “for better or worse,” they never imagined that the “worse” part would include thoughts of divorce appearing as a good option.



When I hear about these couples, I turn my thoughts toward my own marriage. I hug my husband tightly and whisper prayers of thanksgiving that we are together, committed, and growing closer.



You see, this hasn’t always been the case for us. For about half of our fifteen years of marriage, we fought constantly and although we loved each other passionately, we just couldn’t figure out how to be married or how to be a couple.



Finally, in desperation, I cried out to God asking Him what I should do. His answer surprised me. In the still, small voice in my heart, God told me to surrender my marriage to Him. I knew that the key to surrendering my marriage was trusting God. Instead of trying to be in control by telling my husband and God what to do, I learned to set my eyes on Christ and to ask Christ what He wanted me to do in my marriage.



Since that day, I have focused on being the kind of wife God wants me to be. I have searched the Scriptures, and one step at a time I have obeyed God’s commands for being a godly wife.



Many times it has felt like two steps forward and one step back. But that’s still progress! God has transformed our marriage into one of friendship, intimacy, and laughter, instead of the strife-filled marriage we had previously experienced.



God knows all about your marriage. He knows all about you. He knows all about your husband. Your marriage is a gift from Him, and can bring God glory and you joy when you surrender your marriage to Him. Start today by trusting God, and see what happens as you allow God to transform your marriage.



Dear Lord, thank you for my husband and my marriage. I want the marriage You want me to have, Lord. I confess that I’ve tried to make it into what I want it to be, not necessarily what You want. I surrender myself and my marriage into Your loving hands and Your sovereign Lordship. Give me the desire and strength to be the kind of wife You want me to be. Then I know I’ll be the wife my husband needs. In Jesus’ name, Amen.



Related Resources:

What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood



For expert marriage advice, visit Growthtrac online



Do You Know Him?



Application Steps:

Pray a prayer surrendering your marriage to God. Pray with your hands open to symbolize the release of your marriage to God. Another idea to represent this release is to write your name and your husband’s name on a balloon before it’s inflated, blow it up, and then release it in the air.



Reflections:

What would you like your marriage to look like today? One year from now? Five years from now? Ten years from now? Ask God to give you a hope and a vision for your marriage.



What’s one thing can you stop doing because you know it doesn’t create oneness in your marriage?



In Colossians 3: 14 we’re told to “put on love.” What’s one thing you can do today to show your husband you love him?



Sometimes we hesitate to surrender to God because of our fears. Can you identify any fears you have in your marriage? As God to reveal these to you, ask Him to take away your fear and to replace it with His truth.

What two or three questions can I ask here to further contemplate this topic?



Power Verses:

1 Peter 4:8, “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins” (NLT).



Proverbs 3:27, “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due when it is in your power to do it” (NAS).

Ephesians 4:32, “And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you” (AMP).

2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline” (NAS).



Proverbs 31 Ministries

616-G, Matthews-Mint Hill Road

Matthews, NC 28105

www.Proverbs31.org

[Fliboi]

I don't know what to say about the message b4 above mine....I would say try talking to your husband more than talking to GOD. But that's not my business.

As a man who is 10 months separated I have to say there were a few moments...well actually a lot of moments that let me know it was time to leave. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I came home (7:30pm) one evening after having a few drinks with some friends. I cooked dinner and put my 2yo daughter to sleep and came to my bedroom to a pissed off woman who claimed that if I expected her to sit around while I partied all night with my friends I had better just leave.

I found this quite amusing since this woman didn't do much of anything for me except do laundry and work. I then realized that she would never change, the counseling, conversations, pleading for her to change were falling on deaf ears.

I feel for every man out there that is taking care of home and has a wife who is not taking care of him.

[Dark Journey]

I hear you complaining of minor incidents but what is the major point here?

We often say what bothers us about our mates, but seldom do we say what our own issues are. Are you just looking to be outr. You say this guy has a part time job. Does he also have a full time job to go along with it?

Do you work? If so ask yourself this.

Where do I spend most of my time at during the day?

I ask this because I had a job that I put in about 13-16 hours a day into I slept about 5 hrs and those other 3-5 hrs I either rested or used it with the kids. Very little time was with the spouse.
Things were rough all I heard was what we weren't doing. What we didn't have, what she needed. Heck I too wanted to run her head through a wall. One day I got up quit my high paying job out of town came home got a job the next week in town for less money gave her the time she wanted to prove a point and she was still unhappy. So was it more me or her that had the issue.

[mimisan]

I am recently divorced (from a marriage of nine and a half years). Its going on three years. I knew it was time when I was able to detach my emotions from our marriage. And desire another man. We were no longer growing in the same direction. We weren't even on the same team. My husband wanted to be in a married household but live a single life style. It took me two years after many affairs (his), a love child rededicating our lives to each other with new diamond ring and counseling. When you try everything and thats not enough to respect the marriage and to rebuild it, then its time to move on. I can say to this day he and I are friends actually we are like brother and sister. It was tough but we are working it out for the kids. We have two. If I were not the strong sister that I am, we would not be friends.

[GixxerKitten]

I knew it was time to leave when I would call the police because he was about to be violent and they wouldn't do anything because I was not already battered and bruised. There finally came a time when he came 'at me' while I was standing in the kitchen. I picked up a knife and he attempted to snatch it from my hand, and 'nipped' his finger. He called the police and they took me down to the station, cuffing me in front of my children. I was facing 5-8 years for felony assault. Luckily the case was dismissed. I knew it was time to go because the police would not defend me and I was not allowed to defend myself.

[bhammom]

Thank for posting your stories. I am married, but I "need" to be divorced. My husband has drained me emotionially, financially and physically. I have three children, and I know the arguing and fighting is hurting them. After a fight just this weekend. My seven year old daughter was crying in my lap and she said "Mommy, I don't want you to die. Who's going to do for me when you're gone?" My heart sunk. She shouldn't have to worry about that. My husband refuses to leave the house and I don't have any family where I leave. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. We've been married 9 years, but it seems if we have grown so so far apart.

[mymostself]

(please know i can't spell well and don't know if my spell check will work)

How do i know..
When i'm no longer angry or jelous and blaming him for what he is not.because I don't care.
When I've lost the need to justify why I want out: I just want out.
When I'm hoping he will have an affair.(so that he will stop the pretense)
When the thought of inimacy with him feels incestuious.(likew/your brother):
When I am lonley with him.
It's time when I give and have no motivation to try because it takes 2.
6 out of 6...it's time.

To the previous poster... Plan, Plan Plan and save.
In the meantime...find pieces of joy in your children and the parts of your life that make you proud and happy....but plan for your future.....save for your future. Know that you have within you the power to make your life and the life of your children a celebration. Your daughter is learning what love between a man and woman is... you have a lesson to teach her...
Be encouraged know you are powerful!
peace

[mymostself]

:confused:

first, I listed the reasons why I need to be divorced...my last reason I used the word "give" as in "I give in /up/say uncle/ you win"

I wanted the woman who also "needed to be divorced" above my post, to prepare to leave. she should feel sorrowful if her daughter grows up seeing a woman being beaten down emotionally and vebally and maybe physically by her husband. If her daughter learns that marriage and love are about hard times, fear, and misery. I wanted her to know that she has the power to effect a different outcome...in her life and the life of her children...prepare to leave, but in the mean time nourish the things that bring her joy.

clear-er :confused: ?

[diaonne1]

After 16 years, noone can tell me that I didnt try! I tried. But competing against a man's own demons, I had to throw in the towel. Should have left a long time ago. But being born to both a Mom and Dad who stayed together for over 60 years, it was hard for me to accept the fact that my marriage was failing.

I was young and naive. The signs were there from jump but I fell into what a lot of women fall into...."he'll change".

I was not abused. I had a great job. I am a great Mother and I was a great wife. Cooked, cleaned, took care of the house and children AND gave up my body to my husband without question when he finally found his way home. Kept his food warm even though he NEVER called me to tell me he was not going to be home at a reasonable hour. I didnt trip. I was THERE for him.

But he was not around physically or mentally for ME. I thought it was MY fault. ( I hate to admit that, but I did). I was there for him. BUT His demons were the streets... strip clubs, reffer, and alcohol. He constantly blamed me indirectly for him being away, for him not having a reason to come home.

Some people have a hard time accepting responsibility for THEIR actions.

When I was finally fed up....looking like a fool as "my man" would stroll in AFTER the sun came up every other day..... I finally WOKE UP! I left, got my own place, and started considering my needs! The kids stay between he and I with no problem. No custody battles.Kids are 20, 17, 14. No finance battles. He has his money. I have mine.

He is kind of hating right now because I did not crumble and I am not living in dire straights. I have a nice home and a great job and doing ok. He has asked me back, claiming he would change. BUT I don't believe it by his continued contradictory actions. I'm good. I aint going back to that.

The funny thing is, as I was his excuse for not being home with his family like he should, now that I have taken myself out of the equation, he still runs the streets, still does drugs, and still doesnt come home until the NEXT day. Still not home at reasonable hours while his children stay with him.

My kids now see the real deal. It's not my fault. Their dad has the problem.
They realize now that their dad finds it more important to hang out at strip clubs and whatever until the sun comes up. They have issues with him being away from them and out in the streets. The kids finally see that something is wrong here and their Dad has to face it and do something about it. I feel sorry for him. He is losing his kids respect and it's sad.

So! With that.... I am slowly getting my life BACK in order. As hard as it is to be on my own with the bills and such.....I believe this is the RIGHT thing to do and GOD will get me through the financial bumps. I did the right thing.

I have my self respect. And I got my soon to be ex looking into the mirror FINALLY and reevaluating his priorities!

I am a strong black women out of necessity. I didnt plan on being the breadwinner runnin thangs...but I had to accept this title out of necessity. I'm cool. AND I have no desire to go back to him.

My kids are all exceptional and we will be fine.

Never accept disrespect. With God, all things are possible!

DD

[grk14]

I hear you complaining of minor incidents but what is the major point here?

We often say what bothers us about our mates, but seldom do we say what our own issues are. Are you just looking to be outr. You say this guy has a part time job. Does he also have a full time job to go along with it?

Do you work? If so ask yourself this.

Where do I spend most of my time at during the day?

I ask this because I had a job that I put in about 13-16 hours a day into I slept about 5 hrs and those other 3-5 hrs I either rested or used it with the kids. Very little time was with the spouse.
Things were rough all I heard was what we weren't doing. What we didn't have, what she needed. Heck I too wanted to run her head through a wall. One day I got up quit my high paying job out of town came home got a job the next week in town for less money gave her the time she wanted to prove a point and she was still unhappy. So was it more me or her that had the issue.

when you both decide that what you have is cool then dont mess with it. when you get too comfortable with the way things are - youre not being home and your significant other being okay with it- understand that things arent going to change overnite just because you made an employment change, it took time to get used to it andit will take time to adjust.

[grenetta b]

:( You Will Know It. Cause The Feelings, Drive And Energy You Both Once Had For Each Other Have Diminished. And The Love You Two Once Shared Has Departed.

It's Time To Say Good Bye.:(

[lifecouch]

it is time to go when you start prostituting your happiness for the sake of the marriage.

[girlhoneyblue]

I think since we suffer like Christ did, you need to suffer and at the same time look at yourself before you make a decision. Is there another involved? Could it be you? God hates divorce. I think if you plan to leave you should never want to marry again because you will pick up the next issue with the next person. Why not renew your mind and think on the good things that made you say I do in the first place. Keeping a committment means staying in it forever unless there is infidelity. Don't rush to do something you will regret. You may divorce and then find out the problem was you.

[tomikaj]

it is time to go when you start prostituting your happiness for the sake of the marriage. I've never heard it summed up that way, but girlfriend you have said a might word. :)

[tomikaj]

I am recently divorced (from a marriage of nine and a half years). Its going on three years. I knew it was time when I was able to detach my emotions from our marriage. And desire another man. We were no longer growing in the same direction. We weren't even on the same team. My husband wanted to be in a married household but live a single life style. It took me two years after many affairs (his), a love child rededicating our lives to each other with new diamond ring and counseling. When you try everything and thats not enough to respect the marriage and to rebuild it, then its time to move on. I can say to this day he and I are friends actually we are like brother and sister. It was tough but we are working it out for the kids. We have two. If I were not the strong sister that I am, we would not be friends. I think that this situation is going on all over the world and what has happened is our parents and their parents before that has instilled in us that we're going to go through hard times, but God gave you 5 senses and I believe they forgot that. I believe no woman that's married or not should be a doormat. I'm speaking for myself when I say I love my daughters and I do not want them thinking that this is how life is suppose to be and that they should accept whatever is dished out. I think it's wonderful that you and your children's father are friends. Not just for the children's sake but for yours as well because there is a healing process going on with the whole family. Who knows what the future will bring? It just may take seperation to bring the two of you back together (or not). Only God and time will tell. Wish you well!
:)